I always meet the questions "How are you?" and "How are you feeling?" with anxiety. Does this person really want to know how I am? Do they really want to see me? Do I want to make myself visible to this person? Should I just say I'm well because it's the truth? I always go with the latter - I am doing well. So, if you want to know, I am doing well.
But my wellness does not preclude that I may be feeling vulnerable, composed, fulfilled, reflective, joyous, and somber at varying degrees and intensity as well. (That's just right now, friends.)
I am never only feeling a single emotion. Never. I could be screaming in pain but you can be rest assured that's not the only emotion I'm feeling. I could be rejoicing in glee but you can know that joy is not the only feeling I'm feeling, not to mention that positivity isn't the only energy on which I live. There are times during which a single emotion is dominant; however, it is always supplemented by other sister and brother emotions. Sometimes my emotions dance in a harmony that seems to create its own light. Sometimes they get in the way of one another and sound like a Thelonious Monk riff in my soul.
I am dark and light all swirled up. We all are, you know. We are all of these things at once: peace and violence, good and bad, joy and despair. This is our shared human experience.
I always feel like a prism in which the emotions are the colors coming through as the light hits me. And the number of colors coming through isn't your standard 7 ROYGBIV rainbow, the number of emotions coming through isn't your standard, either.
I don't understand my emotions all the time. I don't analyze my emotions all the time. However, I do practice sitting with my emotions. This is the practice of letting the everglow of life's light move through me: what's on the other side of my prism? Can I sit with it? Can I feel it? Can I hear it? Can I see it? Can I taste it? Can it flow through me at all? Am I blocking the light to avoid the feeling on the other side?
Are my colors strong? Do I need to take a seat? For me right now, the answers to those questions are yes and yes. My normally highly-sensitive self is even more sensitive - the everglow is strong. Self-care is not working to diffuse the light in a manageable way. Extreme times need extreme reflection.
I feel like the mountain right now. So many deep blues and purples of all shades surround me punctuated by shimmering stars of other colors. Like the mountain, I need to sit with the world and let the reflection of this experience stir in the waters below. I need to hand some of this off to Mother Earth so she can recycle it. I trust her to take this on to create something better. I will let the rest of the light flow through and reflect until I'm ready to come back. More Love. Love first, everything else, after.